Lose Weight Today! Ask Me How

Want to lose 8 kilos in 3 weeks? Introducing the all-new Chemo Diet!

Step 1: Eating Plan
Pump yourself full of cytotoxic drugs once a week. This should reduce your appetite, enabling you to follow this simple, streamlined eating plan.

Breakfast: 1 Weetbix with milk. Eat half and throw the rest away. 1 glass of juice with medication.
Lunch: 1 piece of toast. If you’re feeling dehydrated because the drugs make water taste repulsive, try masking it with cordial.
Dinner: Make a pitiful face until someone in your family agrees to make you a salad. If you have developed a sudden intolerance to food with flavour, salad can be substituted with a small bowl of unsalted mashed potato.

Step 2: Exercise
The fatigue from the chemo drugs should prevent you from doing anything resembling exercise. This will cause your muscles to degenerate, resulting in extra weight loss. You can boost your anti-exercise potential by filling up your chest cavity with fluid. This will prevent your lungs from working, limiting your range of movement to within 10 metres of the bed/couch.

Step 3: Extra Tips
If you’re really dedicated to the Chemo Diet, you can further reduce your food intake by mixing your chemotherapy drugs with blood thinners. This will result in severe nosebleeds, physically preventing you from eating for hours at a time. Even if you manage to get the food in your mouth, developing a weird psychological tic that makes you vomit whenever you get stressed will reduce the amount of kilojoules you absorb.

By following this revolutionary diet, you can be on your way to looking sickly thin today!

Coming up next...
The next entry will really be coming to you live from hospital - it’s time for more lung surgery. While the thought of being intubated and spending more time in hospital makes me want to reflex vomit, the thought of continuing to get needles in my chest every week to drain the fluid out is slightly more distressing. Plus my surgeon is awesome and rides a motorbike, so I’m going to do what he tells me.