Chillin' in the Hospital

I’m getting pretty adept at being a hospital patient, this being my fifth stay in less than a year. I’ve been in a different hospital each time - it’s like I’m writing a travel guide to the hospitals of Sydney and the Central Coast. So far I’m giving the San four stars because the food is good, I have a private room and everyone is so happy all the time because they’re high on Jebus. Actually I’m going to give them an extra half a star for agreeing to sedate me whenever I ask.

Everyone has been pitying me for having to stay in hospital over the long weekend, but it’s really not so bad. There are some good things about hospitalization, like people bringing you meals, or getting to sit down while you shower (all the laziness of a bath without the grossness of soaking in your own filth). There are also a lot of ways to stay entertained in here besides morphine:

#1 Make lame jokes during your towel bath, just to make things a little more awkward.

#2 Collect medicine cups. Become distressed when anyone tries to throw them out. Last time I got 27.

#3 Bond with the nursing and food delivery staff. Reality TV can help with this:

Sample Conversation Re: The Biggest Loser

Nurse: Is it the weigh-in tonight?

Kea: Yeah, I can’t believe how skinny they are now! But won’t their skin be really stretched out from losing all that weight so quickly?

Nurse: Oh yeah, they’d definitely need to have some surgery to fix that. Especially Shannon.

Kea: He lost 8.2 kilos this week - I wish I could lose that much weight at all.

Nurse: Who do you think will get eliminated?

Kea: Well Lisa’s the bigger threat because she has more weight to lose, but she does have that injury…

There. Friends for life!

#4 Use medical supplies to make clothes for any soft toys brought in by visitors. Pose them in amusing positions.

Between this and sleeping, eating, watching TV, whinging about my ailments to my visitors and taking lots of painkillers, the time goes pretty quickly. In fact, if I had a job this would be a pretty decent (if slightly painful) holiday.